Under the program, every child in America will receive a ten-year supply of “at all,” “It should be noted that,” “especially,” “bear in mind,” “in order to,” "the fact that," and thousands of other useless words and phrases. From New York to Los Angeles, Seattle to Miami, every child in the American Education System will be able to avoid writing sentences like:

It made no difference.

and be fully equipped to write:

It should be especially noted that as far as I was concerned, it really made no difference at all to me.

Can you imagine how American Student scores will soar in international education competition? No longer will they have to write:

Benjamin Franklin had a younger sister named Jane.

They now can write:

Indeed, it is common knowledge that Benjamin Franklin had a younger sister who went by the name of Jane.

Oh, the possibilities. The sentence:

Many students realized that the bloody hardships of war had not accomplished Sun Yat-sen’s Three Principles of the People.

could become:

It was during this time that many citizens, most particularly students, came to the realization that Sun Yat-sen’s Three Principles of the People had not yet been accomplished through the bloody hardships of war.

And:

To remain himself, Joyce rebelled against his fate.

could easily swell to:

That may be all the more true if we bear in mind that Joyce was driven by his fate into many rebellions in order to succeed in being himself.

I am proud of our company, and I am proud to announce further that because of No Word Left Behind, our WordRake CEO, our entire engineering team, and I have been invited by the Secretary of Education to meet with him on one of his yachts—not sure which one yet—where we will hand-deliver a sample packet filled with useless words that all American students can use in their studies. We at WordRake will not rest until every child has all of the useless words needed to compete in school and later in the American business world.

From all of us at WordRake to all of you, thank you from the bottom of our hearts for providing all of those useless words. And may God never cease and desist to Bless America.